Football fans

Posted in Hatred on 22.12.2008.

Find out why football stinks and why is it possible that you to stink too. I'm talking about European football, or soccer for some folks.

OK, let me start by nailing this one first:


Let me elaborate on that first. First of all, professional football is not sport. Note the world professional there. It is a branch of industry. It exists to do two things:

  1. take your mind away from the stuff that really matters (i.e. life and other nuisances)
  2. make money

This "make money" thingie is more important. Of course, I wouldn't claim that football is not sport just like that, there are deeper reasons.

Deeper reasons

1. Football players don't know how to play football

No they can't. Football died when Pele ended his career. I'm terribly sorry, but that's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. All those Beckhams and Ronaldinhos stink ass. Bigtime. They are barely capable of walking. All they can do is pose for the cameras, make beer commercials and have their own clothing lines. What a load of crap.

Now Pele..he knew how to handle the ball. He knew how to play. No, really.

2. Football is boring as ten million hells

But seriously. Ninety bleeding minutes of boring crap. Twenty-two grossly overpaid bastards, incapable of running properly, trying to get hold of a round leather ball and put it in a net. In slo-mo. With offside. Which effectively makes those potentially exciting situations impossible.

I mean, even if you honestly love football more than you love sex..gosh..I have to interrupt the sentence here.. You really do have some serious issues, don't you? Anyway, even if you do love football, you can see the score on the news. And the goals. The whole 10 seconds of excitement. Compressed football.

To extend this idea further, I've devised a formula to calculate the number of truly exciting seconds in a football game:

E = ((n * 10) + (d * 30)) / c


  • E = number of exciting seconds
  • n = number of goals
  • d = number of deaths
  • c = class of game (world cup, local, euro, ...)

For example, a game with two goals and no deaths during the game, in the finals would have:

((2 * 10) + (0 * 30)) / 1 = 20 secs

WOW! The whole twenty seconds! Thank God you're not wasting your life by watching the whole 90 minutes!

Best case scenario, the game starts and a large thermonuclear explosion occurs in the middle of the stadium by sheer accident:

((0 * 10) + (22 * 30)) / 1 = 660 secs = 11 min!

3. Macho bullschmidt

You see, if you don't like football, you're not a real man. Really, dimwit? How about this: I insert a large garden gnome inside of you and smack you with a red brick? And how does the fact that I find 22 sweaty guys running around, patting each others' bottom really boring make me less of man?

Here is something to think about: Why do people like football?

Well, could it be because they are spoon-fed the whole load of bull by mass media? By the decadent culture and lack of self-respect? Wait, I'll explain that differently: spot the differences on these two images:

ass hole

Did you spot it? Yes, you are right! The right image is in color! The reason for this is the fact that the ancient Romans didn't have color film technology back then...

Yes, I know that the right image is not a real football stadium. Instead, it's a variation of handball, costume party and "manly" bottom grabbing, but this doesn't change anything. The whole article could be easily adapted.

In fact, I don't know a mainstream sport that doesn't suck. Basketball has some potential due to the fact that something actually happens during the game (the players are moving and jumping, id est not sleeping and watching themselves on the big screen above them).


The fact is, if you weren't raised to love football, you'd probably think it's boring. Some people would still love it, but most people wouldn't. It is only a matter of tradition and indoctrination.

So stop pretending and be a man for a change. Only the few are brave enough to stand proud and say:


Article comments — View · Add

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Rafael Bandeira :: 22.12.2008 07:46:43
LOL... really funny and truthful!
Have you seen George Carlin talking about the relation of sports excitement and the "serious injury and casual death" factor?
lecterror :: 22.12.2008 09:24:56
Hah, never heard of him, but I've found a video on YouTube and you have to admit he's got it all figured out :-)